we're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year.

04 August 2001

Brandon just called. Maybe more later. It's bonding time. I'll try and convince him to get one of these. Yeah right.

.the girl who is not very 9:49 PM [+].

Okay, so that just went up. And there was much rejoicing. Yay.

It's a Saturday night, and I'm spending it at home. Finally. I haven't truly had one of those in a very long time. All my friends are all going out and I'm just wiped. Going to club and getting pissed off at all the stupid people=bad.

So hello world, how are ya?

I'm reading other Blogs, but for some reason nothing's really sticking out to me. Some people just have too much graphics content for my taste. I used to be heavy into pictures and backgrounds and everything. Not anymore. I'm turning into a minimalist in my old age.

Not that people have bad Bloggers. I know mine sucks ass. People are out there. That's the coolest thing ever.

Tolkien is sitting right next to me, mocking me. Gandalf is waving is crappy little staff, trying my brain. Later, you fuckers.

now playing: 359: PM Dawn\Set Adrift on Memory Bliss

I'm feeling very 6th grade about now, hanging down at the skating rink, mocking everybody in my head.

I need some change. I need a beach. I need some intelligence that won't make me feel chagrined all the time.

I'm going to L.A. on the 19th. I'm hoping to stay there a couple of days, hang with some friends, go to the beach. I miss the beach. After The Trip I'm ready to hit the road again. I dunno if I want to go in my own car though. I think she's ready to blow up at this point.

aw yeah. 118: Digital Underground\The Humpty Dance

Post this. Maybe more.

.the girl who is not very 9:28 PM [+].

I'm reading other random blogs while I write this, so it's gonna be really disjointed. Not that I'm not at any other times, but fuck off, you.

Sorry, Dr. Dre just came on the playlist. 123: Dre Day.

I'm noticing there are a lot of teens writing logs, which is cool. Seriously. I didn't have anything like that in high school. I mean, we had the web but it wasn't large like it is now. I didn't even start online journalling until, yikes, 2 years ago, in college, before my senior year of college. And I started it more for my whole project and the process than just journalling to the faceless expanse of the net. I had a personal writing site for a long time (about the end of 96, if I remember correctly), but used it just as shamless plugging of my work. Not that any of it was any good, nor is it of any literary value now, either. But it's mine, and I did it myself, and I work on it when I can, and it's grown nicely. It's fun for me, even when Real Life turns into HTML code after working on pages all day.

God that just turned into a ramble about nothing at all. That's productivity for you, folks.

Which reminds me, I should stick some new stuff up there, just for the hell of it...

I didn't even really do anything at 80's night last night but boogie down, and I still woke up with a bloody headache this morning. It sucked. I had one drink, early in the evening, and danced all night with plenty of water to rehydrate, and I still get hell in the morning. What the fuck is that about, bastiches.

So today I waded mostly through Tolkien. Still have a hundred pages left on that thing. I'm reading China Mieville's King Rat next, just to get some kind of contemporary spec fic in.

And yes! I worked on a couple of stories. A couple of paragraphs here and there, but it was work, it was nice. So The Goddess says it was nice, and so it was nice. Really. One word in front of the other. Yes.

My back is obliterated as I add another poem to the page. I realized I have quite a few things on there, a lot of them from when I first started it back in '96. That's a long time in Net years. I started it before I hit my 20's. 18, I believe. I'm fucking old!

Actually, I'm not. I get told that all the time, especially by people who are younger than me. Then again, when I state that I'm 23, it sounds so stately, so... I don't know. Regal? I'm going to post this now just in case something happens. I'm feeling server-ominous.

.the girl who is not very 8:49 PM [+].

03 August 2001

Ah yes. So I'm going to be on a Hamell on Trial kick for the next few days. I got 2 CDs today, and I'm expecting more soon. Anti-Folk. Love it.

I've been thinking about career lately. And moving. For example, say if I were to move somewhere, like New York or L.A., just suddenly, would 6 months at this alt-weekly give me enough steam to get me another writing job? I like writing here. I just don't like the fact that it's very... nova-like. It just implodes in on itself all the time.

And Hamell sings "I just wanna get in the game." Yeah, baby.

It just feels like here everything's against you. And if I were to go somewhere else, I'd have to get some other job and write on the side, which is kinda what I'm doing now, just on a stricter schedule.

I think I'm thinking about this because I should be doing a review right now so I can stay a week ahead.

And, I'm procrastinating because I just started a story and I should be working on that. Instead, I'm distracted by being online. And burning a CD for a friend of mine. And. I'm still just halfway past Fellowship of the Ring. I'll never finish that bloody book.

So. That story...

.the girl who is not very 4:08 PM [+].

There was a post last night, but it got lost. Not that there really was very much to post.

Ozomatli kicks ass. Go see them if they come to your town.

I'm starting to make a mental list of things in my head that are prerequesites for relationships. I've been doing this for awhile now. Brett and I talked about this earlier this even, and it's very relevant here, I think.

Take notes here, fellas. I'm sure I'm not the only one with this list. They aren't in an particular order, and it's not even finished, nor will it ever probably be.

Be able to understand my experience. Yes, I am a girl with a college degree. Yes, I am a girl who spent some time overseas. Yes, I don't have a mother. These are things that are part of my life, which means that I tend to talk about them or reference them a lot. I'm not asking you to know exactly what I'm feeling about these things, but don't be afraid to ask me. The only way you evolve is by learning.

Realize that I'm not going to be emotionally available 24 hours a day, seven days a week. There are times when I just want to be with myself, because she knows how to react to what's going on in my own head. I have inner dialogues with myself about where I stand emotionally all the time. When someone tries to break into that, they'll get a very annoyed and cranky person. Some people may misconstrue that as having walls, but I've been quiet and introspective all my life and it's helped me more than hurt me. "Sometimes I just don't feel right inside and I just want someone to be there when it's all over."

Be open to new things. I don't know how many times this has bugged me. Why live your life only to be scared of it all? There's no point.

Finish what you start, and if you haven't, don't be afraid to try again. College is the most prime example of this, but it just comes down to follow-through. If you can't follow through with your own life, what makes you think you're going to do anything for me?

Be scared for the right reasons. I know at least for me, the only thing I'm truly afraid of is dying before I had a chance to do what I really wanted in life. Sometimes you just have to walk in, look around, and say, "You know, this is weird, but I'm taking it all in." Life is research.

Have faith. It sounds like a given, but some guys just don't let things go with the flow and evolve. We live in an age of instant gratification. Like the great sage Ferris Beuller said, "Life moves pretty fast; if you don't stop to look around once in a while, you could miss it." Fate only takes you so far; the rest is up to you.

Laugh at yourself. I don't mean this in a totally self-deprecating way. There are times when I've done really dimwitted things, but after some perspective I've learned that that was then and now is now. I always look at the goofy part of life. If I didn't, I'd be dead by now.

It's okay not to agree with me all the time. I'd rather have a nice debate than constant a constant "yes" conversation. I have debates with friends all the time; I should be able to have them with someone I spent just as much time (if not more) with. It means you're thinking about things, too.

I'll be your inspiration, but not your cure. It's becoming one of my two mottos: I am not here to fix you. I will sit down with you to help you sort out what's in your head, but don't expect me to just wish it away and make it better. If you can't deal with your own shit, what makes you think I can? No matter how long we've been together, I will never truly know your head; that's perfectly okay. We all change, that's the point.

Have some kind of outlet. This is counterpart to the one above. Everybody has some way of expressing themselves; it defines part of our purpose in life. For me, it's writing and music and stories and the kinds of friends I have, and my love towards my family. There has to be some kind of external outlet for intensity of emotion, whether it be art in any form, or just volunteering somewhere. It comes in many forms. We all have our own skills.

Be aware that I have very protective friends, of all kinds of persuasions. This includes many male friends who are very close to me, like brothers, which means that they may be affectionate with me in ways most people aren't used to seeing me in. I'm a Gemini-- I have different personalities for different people, and they are diverse. I get along with all kinds of people, that's just who I am. And yes, in my world it's very possible to "just be friends" with guys. I have a few close male friends along with my close girlfriends. They offer me perspective I can't get anywhere else. Plus I get along with males because I grew up with an older brother who treated me much like a boy when I was little.

Say anything foul that you want-- nothing really offends me, unless it's obviously personal. Just because I have two boobs and a vagina, that doesn't mean I haven't grown up around foul mouths. My father, to this day, still tells my brother and me dirty jokes. My whole family curses. I curse like a sailor myself, despite trying to cut back because of my nephews. I've had friends in the porn industry. I don't mind dick and fart jokes-- sometimes they're funny. I burp. (In public.) I fart. (In private.) I sweat, and smell, and do all the normal human things. And I bleed once a month, which I have no problem venting about. The only things that get my goat are jokes about race or sexual orientation.

This is just off the top of the noggin. There are other things, maybe I'll post them when they come to me. Bed. Good.

.the girl who is not very 1:53 AM [+].

01 August 2001

Today was busy. And I'm really tired right now.

Natalie came home from China with Jon this morning. They were both fried. And yet Nat and I managed to stay up all day, she from a 10 hour flight and me on about 3 1/2 hours of sleep since I seem to be on this nice insomniac marathon the past few days. Did some shopping, hung out and caught up, gawked at her new engagement ring. Saw pictures. Made plans for the rest of the week. Ate dinner with Kim at Crown, stopped at the cafe, and went home.

I got my courtesy notice about my ticket today. My court date got moved back another week, so I have to call them at some point this week and find out what the hell is going on.

Tomorrow's Wednesday. No shows, but we're supposed to be going out and about. Oh, and The Roots show that I didn't go to ended up getting canceled anyway, so I didn't feel as guilty about not going to that. Still got Ozomatli on Thursday, and then we're planning on 80's night Friday, so getting some sleep right now would probably be the best idea I could ever think of doing.

.the girl who is not very 12:04 AM [+].

31 July 2001

I'm having one of those weeks where I can't seem to say anything intelligent at all. I mean, not that anything really relevatory ever came out of said orfice, but it seems this week is starting off bad with stupid-mouth. It's just all dumb shit. It's like I'm not even paying attention and something comes out. There's not any specific instances I can point to, but they're there.

It might be the sleep dep thing, but who can tell anymore.

.the girl who is not very 2:30 AM [+].

30 July 2001

The mass paranoia will continue for about another week or so. I called Buttonwillow today. They have no information on my ticket, or bench warrant, or whatever it is right now. Not good.

Oh, and Brandon calls me yesterday to tell me that God Among Men and San Diego's own Life Hates Me called us to do shows, GAM up in Sacramento and LHM here in Vegas. Frustration and pissy are not the words to describe this. But they're close enough.

One good thing out of this weekend, however. Paul Oakenfold's set last night was absolutely wicked. By the end of it, Brett and I were about 4 people back from the stage. Oakey pointed at me a couple of times, which was cool. The set was just sick, and he played a bunch of songs I loved, ending it all with the instrumental of Prodigy's "Firestarter." I couldn't feel my feet afterwards.

So after that I'm still debating just taking tonight off and not going to The Roots. And it's 25 bucks tonight, which I'm not too keen on. I should just take a couple of days off till Ozomatli on Thursday. Plus Nat's coming home tomorrow, not having seen her in a year, so the next couple of days are going to be a little busy.

Yesterday I went through and fixed all the little unresolved code issues on all my pages, so everything should be readable now. For awhile I couldn't read any of the regular text on some of the pages-- you could see all the links sticking out of the void but not much else besides graphics. So that's all good now, since I couldn't read it on my Netscape thing. Yeah. I can't think today, don't mind me.

Work. Yes. Must get done. Today.

.the girl who is not very 3:08 PM [+].

29 July 2001

Okay. So after I posted last night I went ahead and finished the remix stuff up at the Jude page, then after talking to people for awhile I decide to try and go to bed.

Nope.

I get up and sit at the computer for awhile, thinking I'll work on a new remix-piece-thing, and after an hour, try and go back to bed.

Nope.

I start thinking about my speeding ticket. I was supposed to be in court Friday for it, up in Buttonwillow (Eater of Cars). And I'm reading the back of the ticket, and I'm freaking out and thinking that they're going to come to my house and arrest me or that I can't ever go back to California ever again because they're going to have a warrant out for me and I'm gonna go to jail and get gang raped by a bunch of wacko innmates and...

Yeah, so I couldn't sleep. At all. I finally zonked out about 6:30 this morning, tired of being worried, and after many calls this morning, woke up very late to a quiet house. Dad and Sean are having an Customer Appreciation party at Dean's since it got sold a few months ago and they can finally let go of it. So nobody's here. Thank Goddess.

So if I end up not updating for awhile, it's because I'm in jail in Buttonwillow, being somebody's bitch.

.the girl who is not very 4:03 PM [+].

Today, finally, I updated everything I had to update.

The Jude page was moved to the 0catch address since it's all paid for and no banners. And I fixed all the stuff I said I'd fix. Though I have to get the remix stuff together. But right now, I've been looking at code all day so I'm fried on that. And I fixed little things on my page.

Everything is code right now, Matrix style. So I'll head to bed.

.the girl who is not very 1:21 AM [+].