21 September 2001
Last night, I was talking to Ham and we were discussing how terrible things just seem to happen in little landslides, about every few months or so, and how it just feels like you want to crawl inside a rock somewhere and hide and pretend it's not happening but you can't.
The past almost two weeks have been feeling like that.
Dad's been out of town, getting a checkup at the Cleveland Cancer Clinic. He goes there every six months or so to see how he's doing. This time last year he was there getting a lung removed because chemotherapy from lung cancer hadn't gotten rid of everything, and the tumor was larger than the doctors had expected.
This year, he went back for a usual checkup, and he's been having throat problems the past couple of weeks. His esophagus has been closing up and despite having outpatient surgery to correct it, it closed back up again. Earlier this week the doctors in Cleveland surgically implanted a tube in his esophagus so that he can swallow whole food again.
Sean came over today to tell me that the reason why it's been closing up is because the cancer moved to his throat, and it keeps growing and closing his esophagus.
It's not over.
And the thing that bugs me sometimes is that Sean can make me feel like the world's going to end with this kind of news. He tries to act so masculine about it, trying to be the stoic one, but when I look into his eyes he's so scared. And so am I.
I knew we were on the clock when Dad first got diagnosed, but now. Now it's just a matter of planning for things, getting prepared for it. We have to figure out what we're going to do over the course of days, find out what Dad wants to do. He's only 55.
It's one thing when your mother dies unexpectedly. It's another when your father
knows he doesn't have much time left. He's making his peace with whatever's left to make peace with. With one person your goodbye is swift and is pulled from the air; with the other, you rehearse how you want to do it.
And there's so many questions that I don't want to ask if only in my own head. I feel like it's not fair. And that pit in my stomach comes back again, because I know this time it's not a joke. It's not time to sit, depressed, and get angry at Dad for little things, 'cause that all doesn't matter anymore.
How many more lessons do I have to learn so early on in the game? I shouldn't have to be going through this at 23.
But I am. And I'm going to do this. I'm going to help Dad. And I'm going to get through it with everybody.
In the meantime, I'll still be scared as fuck.
.the girl who is not very 4:41 PM
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Okay. Um. Changed it all over. Hopefully it should be readable and all of that lovely stuff.
.the girl who is not very 1:23 PM
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19 September 2001
So.
Here with reheated pizza, a Sunkist, and in the stereo some Magnetic Fields (
69 Love Songs, Vol. 1), welcome, kids, to another episode of Kari's continuing rant about men.
I'm not getting this. Why are all the smart chicks with opinions single?
I know there's a cult of bitch somewhere. Maybe I hide behind that whole myth. Hide from who with what, I couldn't tell you. Ego tells me I'm too good for everybody, and yet the thought that
someone out there gives a shit scares the hell out of me. What the fuck is that? I mean, really. Why is it that I want to be with someone who's going to complete me when most people I don't like and/or make my heart want to jump out of my chest and just get the death thing over with?
This is serious business. Someone who wants to make out with me makes me nervous. I don't know why. I've made out with quite a few people, and it's not like I'm really bad at it. Goddess. I don't think. No, I am. I am. Seriously. I have a tongue bar. It accounts for something.
But talking to Mikey last night we end up discussing sex. "Do you want sex and then the relationship, or do you want the relationship first?" And it made me seriously think for a minute about all the guys I've had sex with-- a whopping three people. Maybe one of them I knew for more than a couple of weeks before it got physical.
Okay. That sounds bad. It's not. I lost my virginity at 20, after two weeks into the relationship. I'd never been in a serious relationship before, so it just happened. My last relationship was about two weeks in when we got physical. Or so. The other one in between I'd known off and on for months before we did anything at all.
I told him I want to actually go do spontaneous things and not have a choice in the matter. Not in a dominant way, but I don't want to have to feel like we're going to be sitting at the table all night saying, "what do you wanna do?" "I dunno, what do
you wanna do?" It drives me insane.
.the girl who is not very 10:03 PM
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Woke up today right before The Editor calls about doing a story. All good. I meant to stop by the office but I ended up going to my brother's house, where my sister-in-law was watching the twins. So I ended up playing with them all day. It's always nice to give them back when they're done.
Stopped by Roma, though I don't really know why, and found a flyer for a Take Back the Night march going on next month. UNLV's getting there.
Still feel like things are just floating over my head right now. Textbook case of Depression-- don't really want to do anything other than read, work on stories, and go to work if I can. How terrible is that?
I'm thinking it's because I'm trying to tackle Don Quixote and it's huge. I'm speed reading this one.
.the girl who is not very 9:07 PM
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Tweakage should be finished. I think.
I happened to have David Letterman on tonight when he mentioned he had Tori playing tonight, since her new album-- which is a brilliant selection of covers, I think-- came out today. She performed Tom Waits' "Time" which brought me so close to tears, and Dave too. I can't wait to see her in November.
I go down to Roma to get away from code and I sit there most of the night and talk about relationships with guys who would be good for me but are either taken or already way too friendly with me to even think about that. Or gay.
Hopefully, now that I'm 3 reviews ahead, I'll have something in tomorrow. Just. One. Review. Please.
.the girl who is not very 12:54 AM
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18 September 2001
Okay, I've tweaked this enough. It's time for some coffee. Hopefully everything all lines up. Looks okay on my Netscape and IE.
Time for some caffiene.
.the girl who is not very 8:16 PM
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17 September 2001
I'm sitting here watching Match Game, and I think they need to bring it back. Though if they did it now, they'd have to put it on cable, 'cause I know some of the answers I'm thinking of are just downright wrong.
And now that I'm trying to watch TV without all the constant updating going on, the thought occurs to me that nobody says anything about how it smells there. I know, it's weird, but as informative as these reporters are, they aren't very descriptive.
Okay. That's silly. I'm getting out of here.
.the girl who is not very 6:36 PM
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16 September 2001
Last night, bowling.
.the girl who is not very 7:24 PM
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