we're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year.

17 November 2001

I was going to post something, but nevermind. Thinking about things. Relationship stuff that has no business anywhere 'cause it's all been said before.

But I'm different. I'm hoping I can say that at new year's.

I think tonight's show is gonna go fine. Just don't tell that to any of the bands playing, especially the soon-to-be not band that's the headliner tonight. (Which is not the same band I linked to, incidentally.)

.the girl who is not very 5:27 PM [+].

16 November 2001

So you probably don't want to read this.

But I want to say how much I love being a freelance writer. I just sent off my latest review in my underwear. How fucking cool is that.

So stop reading this. Now.

.the girl who is not very 3:38 PM [+].

So I'm considering doing open mic night on Sunday. There are a couple of songs I really want to sing out loud right now, but my voice really sucks. A couple of friends tell me to just get up there and do it. Fuck it. And you know, I'm starting to think that too. Stop wishing you could and just fuckin' do it.

.the girl who is not very 11:28 AM [+].

I've been a bitch tonight. I don't like myself for acting like one, but I did it anyway, 'cause it was easy.

And I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Sorry. It's like it echoes in my head and I feel like I shouldn't have even done it at all. And it's over the stupidest things.

I should've expected it, after a good day yesterday. Dad's come back home and all of that is in my face again. I'm starting to feel guilty that I'm leaving town for a few days. I shouldn't. I haven't been out of town in a few months. I deserve a little break from, well, everything.

I'm sorry.

.the girl who is not very 2:27 AM [+].

15 November 2001

You know, before I head off to bed, I realized something.

I started to freak out a little bit. This really is public knowledge. I mean, even if you, dear reader-whoever-you-are, don't know the players involved, some people reading this just might.

Um. Hi.

But you know, I write what I write because that's how I feel at the time, and things can change so quickly, and I don't regret anything.

I don't really know why I just wrote that, but it had occurred to me to just throw that out there to the ether. I sleep now.

.the girl who is not very 1:28 AM [+].

So the newest pictures are up on the portfolio. Fishes and pegasuses. Or is that pegasi? I don't really know.

And you know, today turned out to be a genuine, really good day. I actually thought to myself that it's a wonderful day today. I don't think I've ever really thought that before. Ever.

But it's a good fucking start.

.the girl who is not very 1:20 AM [+].

Let me put this up first.

.the girl who is not very 1:06 AM [+].

Hey, if you're reading this, I gots bad roobles.

.the girl who is not very 12:52 AM [+].

14 November 2001

Got some work done today. Finally.

Spent the better part of two hours at the Virgin Cafe with overpriced coffee, writing. I feel so nice right now, you don't even know. There's nothing like sitting down to write, and getting things done, that makes you happy.

I also took a few pictures while I was in the Forum Shops, but I'll either post them later on tonight or (more likely) tomorrow.

.the girl who is not very 6:19 PM [+].

It really sucks when you like artists and you keep pages on them and then they kinda fall off the face of the planet after tours are over and they won't come to your town.

I mean, not that I'm bitter about that, or anything. I'm still going to see Tori next week.

Today, I swear to Goddess, I'm going to get some work done. By myself. I'm taking the day off from real life so I can delve into something completely different. Dammit.

.the girl who is not very 11:28 AM [+].

This is kinda cool. It's based on Vedic Astrology, which I've seen referenced in books but I've never read up on it. And it describes me perfectly, if you don't really know me all that well.

Rohini - Passionate (May 26 - June 8)
Ruled by Moon
牋牋牋牋牋Rohini in Sanskrit means red, which relates to passion and sensuality. Rohini appear very detached and unemotional on the outside, their heart inner core is emotional, romantic and idealistic. Rohini are making major changes in their life. At times stressful, they are letting go of the past and moving into an exciting future.

Bed. Good.

.the girl who is not very 12:35 AM [+].

13 November 2001

A good day, totally non-productive.

Went to see Dad. Everything's cool, if bronchitis and pneumonia are considered fads these days. Marie from work came, told me that they needed me to come in and fill them up, which was fine except that meant that by the time we'd all left (around 3:30), that meant my plans for driving to the closer Forum Shops were basically kaput. So I grabbed lunch and went to work. Tried not to get stressed out by stupid bartenders. I was there for an hour figuring things out and when it all turned out alright it was already 4:30, and I wanted to come home and check email which meant I didn't leave the house again until about 5:30.

So I just went up to Roma, where Chaz was walking in and I had to update him about the State of the Union, and then Mikey showed up on his way to Monday Night Football, so I had to let him know what was up. Then Ham and Ray and Joe (not all together, mind you) showed up so that meant I wasn't going to write the poem I wanted to write before I went up to read. And he even went to go make flyers to kill some time before I went up, except I ended up reading as he was in there and just as I sat down after reading he came in wondering if I read yet and got kinda irate that he'd missed me doing my little pieces-- still mad when we went over to cut the flyers, and still complaining when we got in the car on the way to flyer the Cooler.

Love Is Laughter was supposed to be playing there tonight, and our friend Aaron's new side project-band-thingie opened up-- for only having been together a week, pretty good sound, decently tight already. Turns out Love Is Laughter's bus broke down in California. I really wanted to see them, especially since there was hardly anybody there. Sometimes the really small quiet shows are the good ones because the bands aren't out to really impress anybody. Figures.

And Wednesday's Juliana Theory show at Tremorz is probably cancelled as well, permit problems with the venue not even a month into it closing everything down. It's so frustating 'cause we needed that venue badly. Arghness.

So all of that meant that I got absolutely no work done. I had many things running through the Noggin so that's a good thing. But being that I have to run around a little tomorrow I probably won't get anything done tomorrow, either. Sharf.

.the girl who is not very 1:26 AM [+].

12 November 2001

I had to take this quiz. I'm a casual weblogger? Oh-kay...

You are a casual weblogger. You only blog when you have nothing better to do, which is not very often. There's nothing wrong with that. But if you'd post a little more often, you'd make your readers very happy.

What readers? Like, besides myself and maybe people who happen to stumble upon this once and take off screaming?

.the girl who is not very 11:32 AM [+].

Okay. So. I had a really weird dream last night.

I was sitting in some stands-- you know, like those really bad ones made out of tin at large arenas like the Silver Bowl here-- and I think it was an amplitheater because I swore we were all watching Tori. And we'd hit an intermission and they start playing just random dance music and all of a sudden we're sitting behind the whole band of Incubus. All of a sudden I turn into Funny Girl, stepping down the seats and falling over and doing weird dances and then "Wish You Were Here" comes on and I start going back up the stairs to my seat, and Brandon Boyd's watching me. You know that look girls. And you know when someone starts to kinda stare at you, like they're interested in your interesting-ness, and you look away acting all coy and waiting for them to approach you. You've played that game, ladies, don't even front.

I have no idea what it means. Take whatever symbolism as you will.

Since the bro's already been to work, that means I can spend some time with Dad and maybe get some of my own work done today. I might even try to sneak over to the Virgin Megastore and hang in their cafe for some overpriced caffiene. Maybe. I need a day to sit with some tasty warm (preferrably caffinated) beverage and my iBook and churn out a couple thousand words. I haven't properly done that in awhile since I've been, well, busy, and not really in the proper mindset to write fiction that isn't necessarily connected to what's going on around me.

This is a terrible thing to say, but it would be nice to be able to take advantage of an empty house today. Then again, that would seem kind of silly, because that would mean I would get absolutely nothing done, then I would get bored, and tired, and then hate myself for wasting time I could've used being productive.

Yeah.

.the girl who is not very 11:25 AM [+].

When I become president, I want this guy in the fuckin' Oval Office with me.

Of course you have a Mercurial personality. Your sign is ruled by the planet Mercury - which is also the name we give to the metal once known as quicksilver. You have famously fast reactions. You are hard to contain or control and naturally prefer to be in a fluid state than a solid one. Yet miraculous things can and do happen when you are around and, when you set out to take the "temperature" of a person or a situation, your readings are never wrong. This week, you are seeing, showing and starting to pursue a very wise course of action.

G'night.

.the girl who is not very 2:39 AM [+].

So. Had the State of the Union tonight. The conclusion: I think we both freaked each other out.

And I realized I don't want to be in a relationship, just by the mere fact that I'm dealing with Dad alone and all that that entails. I think mentally I can't be there all the time for somebody, and that's really not fair to them when they're supposed to be there all the time for me.

The thing that really struck me was the fact he mentioned that "We're more than friends," but he doesn't want me to turn into an Evil Enemy. Typing that and reading that sounds really stupid and sounds like an excuse, but the fact that I could call him on his shit (you know, hypothetically speaking, if he ends up with some random chick) made me feel okay about it. It's like he wants things to be different this time and not the friend/girlfriend/psycho-bitch cycle most guys experience. I do too, except mine's usually boyfriend/friend/some-dude-I-went-out-with-for-a-month-and-happened-to-be-having-sex-with.

I don't feel bad. I don't even feel sad. I actually feel kinda nice about it because I know exactly how he feels now, and it's all about him trying to arrange where he is. So am I. Still. This is good. We both see each other as cool people and we don't want to fuck that up. If that makes any sense.

And I'm starting to finally see how I really get into relationships-- I mean, really sit back and look at the bigger picture of things-- and I'm slowly seeing for myself why I'm glad we had this discussion. I can't really articulate it now. It's like we both started to like each other too much. And we both respect each other in similar ways, even though we've come from totally different backgrounds.

Honestly I didn't want to lose him as a friend. I wanted to know why he was tripping out, and we finally got to talk about it tonight. And you know, even if nothing ever happens between us ever again, I'm glad to have had that time with him. And I hope I get to hang some more as the year comes to a close. He's good people.

Even though Dad's in the hospital, he's got pneumonia which may sound bad but at least it's treatable. I spent most of the evening making sure he was getting out of the ER into a room.

I can say that the night turned out much better than I expected. Though coming home to a quiet house was a little disheartening. I'm a little at a loss of what I'm going to do with myself tomorrow besides visit Dad in the hospital and stop by work.

Oh yeah, start writing all that stuff that's been running in my head the past week, that's it. Duh.

.the girl who is not very 2:22 AM [+].

11 November 2001

I'm not sure how to take this one.

If you've been looking for something that could help propel you to greatness, this is your lucky day. Something huge and benign, like romance or inspiration, comes into your life and sweeps you along for most of the day. Even if you don't fully understand your experience, you have the ability to articulate it beautifully. Write a poem or start a journal about your experiences. The details will sort themselves out later -- for now, you're free to live in the moment.

The inspiration part I see, but nothing romantic. I think I've run out of my romance quota for the year.

.the girl who is not very 3:45 PM [+].

I had to put that poem up. Dad just went back into the hopsital. I think he's got pneumonia, because his temperature started to go up and he was getting the chills. And he's not telling anyone if he's in pain, so he just makes himself miserable.

(On a completely different note, Mikey got so slammed last night he was praying to the Porcelain God at the Double Down, after a Heineken there, and after 4 pints of Guiness with a shot of Jager and one of Jameson's at the Crown.)

But I still feel disappointed. I'm still trying to grasp how things can change so fast. I'm trying to figure out if I really did anything that bad.

Or maybe I just shouldn't try to figure things out and just let things go as they will. It just feels worse this time because I was really happy for about 2 weeks and then. Nothing. And now my chest hurts goddammit. It's not supposed to. Fuck.

.the girl who is not very 3:35 PM [+].

This one's dated 24 September.

bad happens in landslides.
your memories are mountains
and storms shaking normalcy
let slip the worst
and you're standing at the bottom,
waiting.
restrained from doing anything about it
you have to let it bury you,
face the rocks
as if they would embrace you
like love
was more than a pile of sitting ducks
waiting
for the lake to dry.
you lift you eyes higher
looking for something infinite
while the ignorant stand
at the bottom of their molehills
being stung by little ants.
they bide by their routine
of small dramas
and fixable boo-boos.
your own dramas are earthquakes
making the ground sway
in a sad dance,
and you can only let your memories lead you,
only remain standing
while nobody holds your hands.
love feels like stones being thrown
and you love the bleeding.
you try to carve statues,
make idol threats to sadness,
but they just end up smashed
as ash at your feet.
you are not used to this
like you're used to bleeding,
needing it as you need the storm clouds.

.the girl who is not very 2:55 PM [+].