24 November 2001

I've been listening to a new sort of piece I created. A new girl. She's got live Tori piano playing a slow "Caught a Lite Sneeze" with the rhythms of "Juarez" and some Neil and some Chasing Amy in the background there. I'm probably going to listen to it until I get sick of it in the next couple of days.

'Course, it also depends on mood swings, as subtle as they can be these days, as they always are, as they should be. I mean, without the medication.

By the way, she's called "What Could've Happened (It's Visible & Colourless)." I think it aptly describes just about everything that's been happening, especially lately, when I've been thinking about the perpendiculars of fate, or chance, or whatever you'd like to call it now.

There are friends who are gone, friends who were there for that moment and if I hadn't known them I probably wouldn't really know the people that I know now. Not some of them anyway.

From Natalie, to Eric, to Sean, to Brandon, to Mikey and Ham. All these people make connections, and it always makes me wonder where I'd be if I hadn't actually talked to that person or happened to have had my Tarot cards that night. It's visible, and colourless.

Dammit. The power just went out twice, for a few seconds each time. I'm going to have to retire for the evening. Already.

.the girl who is not very 11:11 PM [+].

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22 November 2001

Sleeping in is the coolest thing. Especially after you go to bed early the night before, and friends were nice enough to send you emails instead of calling at nine in the morning.

And the CD listening spree has started, along with the writing. There's a lot, but I can get through it. I could've just started when the nephews woke me up at 8 this morning, but I decided to actually be awake and functional to do it all. It's due tomorrow around 3ish or so, so I've got time. Not that I'm not going to take advantage of that-- I still have to eat and hang with the family today, even if that means going to up to the bar to eat the traditional dinner.

I think my favorite Thanksgiving memory was when I was about ten. My mother had invited most of her side of the family over for dinner, and some had come out from Sonora to visit. There was so much food and people we had to have it buffet style just to accomodate everybody. I remember being in the kitchen talking to my mom and aunt Kathy and my grandma while the turkey was almost done in the oven, and I'd walk over to the table and steal olives out of the bowl when I wasn't supposed to. And my mom would make deviled eggs, and they were the best deviled eggs I've ever had. And the cranberry sauce-- divine, even if it really was out of a can. I'd always eat more than anyone else with that stuff. When everyone was done my family would tell stories about my mom and her siblings when they were kids, or about the war, or just about my brother and me and what we wanted to do in life.

I wonder if they ever saw me here now. I wonder if my mom ever wondered where I'd be when she saw me off my freshman year of college. Sometimes I wonder if she's proud of me, even though I know she is. But it's holidays like this, where we'd tag team on dinner, that I miss her the most. I miss complaining about college and being out in the world away from things.

But instead of turning that into some kind of sad rant, it makes me think about where I am now, and how I wouldn't trade it for anything. It may not be the kind of thing I'd've imagined back when I was ten, but you know, I didn't really imagine anything anyway because I didn't want to trap myself. I didn't want to be locked up in my own confines. I still don't.

Bring on the turkey, man. I love being in this country, with these people, right now.

.the girl who is not very 11:58 AM [+].

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21 November 2001

I just did a little cleaning in my room. I come back from driving all day and all I do is clean. But I can walk around a little better in here which is saying something.

And tomorrow, on what should be the most chilled-out day of the year, I'm going to be spending most of it listening to CDs for a thousand-word article that's due Friday. Go me. The top ten local discs of the year.

And I'm still owed a tape of a performance last weekend by a certain band who's not going to get any more shouts 'till I get to burn that thing.

I go beddie bye now.

.the girl who is not very 10:25 PM [+].

San Diego was lovely. I'd like to visit there more often. In fact, that might be the case as I think I might have a floor to crash on when I'm there next time.

And then there was Tori. The shows were breathtaking-- in fact, when she sang "Winter" it was the first time I actually cried at any show. But I think this sums up the past three days:

Went to the meet and greet. Got squished. Got a little headache. Held up my journal. Just as soon as Tori was about to turn around to go into the building, I look her right in the eye (well, from 3 people back from the barricade), she grabs the journal from me, signs it with a sharpie, hands it back, and runs off. I say thank you and smile.

I might scan it in the next couple of days. I'm really too tired right now to do it.

And even though a few people had come up to me saying I should put that journal on eBay, I didn't get it signed for eBay. I got it signed for me. It's got my writing in there, for crying out loud. Why would I sell it?

Some love too.

Any new beginning is exciting. If this new arrival in your life also happens to be a complete surprise, then your jaw may be hanging open. Do follow up what lands, like a comet, in your lap, over the next 24 hours. The ideas, plans or news destined to find you will not disappoint, either. The recent link between Venus and Jupiter guarantees the luck of the Irish - even if you’re from Bognor Regis. That atmosphere of positive thinking, and carefree optimism, will now enable you to trust the rather dazzling possibilities around you. The potential is glaringly obvious.

Let me post this first. My head's full right now.

.the girl who is not very 8:41 PM [+].

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18 November 2001

So another good Ani site is hitting the bricks.

You know, back in '97 I was all about Ani. I'd never even heard of her before that summer. I converted all my friends, was all about Living in Clip and got me all stoked up about writing again. But then she released Up Up Up Up Up Up and I just lost interest. She still makes good music, don't get me wrong. It's just that her music now just doesn't hold that same charm that it did back 4 years ago, when I saw her at the Joint with about 50 other people and we all sang along. The latest album was just a bit too much; it was good that she took a year off, but did she really have to make a double album? Some of the sites I've been seeing are wondering if she's off her rocker. If the fans that are storming the shows any indication, especially the one I saw last year at Universal in L.A., then that girl needs some serious medical attention.

Back in the day, I could say Ani was in my top 3 artists of all time. Nowadays I'm starting to wonder if she's in the top 5. And it's not like she writes bad music now, because she doesn't. Revelling/Reckoning was a really good Ani album. But that's all it was-- an Ani album. And she's not the same folksinger chick I saw back in November of 97. She's grown as an artist, and that's a good thing. I just haven't grown in the same way she has.

Jesus that was a longish rant. I don't even know why I bothered to write that much about it. It'd just occurred to me that I listened to Tori's new record more than Ani's. And that I'm not really into Ani as much as I used to be. It just kinda sucks.

But I should take a shower. Got another show tonight.

.the girl who is not very 3:44 PM [+].

God sometimes I just hate this scene. Inside Scarlet is breaking up. And they totally rocked my socks tonight.

And, of course, the homies were awesome, as they increasingly are every show. It's just too bad somebody there's outta work and doesn't wanna go out of town. But that's okay. I got backups. I think.

Actually I didn't want to write about that. Or the fact that there's another show tomorrow night. I wanted to post this before I went to bed.

Literally, I just finished it.


mandarin celestial
you smell like orange sherbet
i just wanted you to know that

there's a part of me
there's a many parts of me
and there was a part that wanted to say hi
while slipping you a little something more

and yet that girl doesn't come around anymore
not that much anyway
she likes to whisper that i want to kiss you
but why would you kiss the willing

and why should it even matter anyway
if it's all going to be lost in city lights
and city shadows
and the heights of the parts of who we think we are

you're there and i'm there
and people are asking me still
and will they please shut up
when i say it's okay

it's really okay

you might not believe me when i say that
i might not believe it either
but it's the truth either way
and i just wanted you to know that

i just wanted to say thank you
i mean really say thank you
it's not just car rides
and shout outs
or song lyrics scribbled on the sides of coffee cups

it's the fact that you're here right now
and that's enough
it might not seem that way
but it took awhile for me to thank you for being here
it took awhile for me to admit
that i want to be here too
and there's a part of me
that doesn't regret a single fucking thing

we don't have to pretend now
we don't have to watch the dead stars anymore
we don't have to see the end of the falling stars
or the parts of ourselves we don't have to show

we don't have to do anything but be here
wherever that is 'cause the whole idea is to name it
name it to claim it
and even that makes sense somehow
like for that one moment
when someone actually matters
almost too much

and there's no more room for lies
no more room even for ourselves
to crush the sleepy rest we can't have
always running
always trying to touch something
like the stars that are hitting the atmosphere

and we're all just stardust anyway

it's all just sense memory
some past life we're trying to tweak
get a scoop of who we were once

i'm trying to put the pieces back together
of me
of we
of the girl i lost and the girl i'm trying to hold on to
like a perfect song
like the one thing that never seems quite right

so

hi
thank you for being here

and i'd like to give a shout out
to myself
she got me here in the first place
and she's the one i'll always love
even when
i won't give her a spoonful of orange sherbet

.the girl who is not very 2:33 AM [+].

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